QueerTips

I too have had my sense of my sexuality shift over the years: from asexual, to pansexual, to primarily lesbian, to “open to some sort of physical intimacy from certain kinds of guys given very specific circumstances.” Each shift brought about its own terrifying identity crisis, especially when I had just spent years coming to terms with my earlier understanding of my sexuality, going through the process of coming out to myself and others, and even ending or changing relationships. It was like a core part of my identity was broken. Who was I really? Was I wrong about myself? Was I living a lie? Is everything I know wrong? Is my life over? There’s such tremendous pressure to know, sometimes, to always be certain about our identity, that the answer is permanent, that to change it is to admit we were faking it on some level.

If this sounds like you: you, and I, we’re not wrong. We were not living lies, we are not fakes. Our lives are not over, even if certain assumptions or expectations change. We are still ourselves, even if our understanding of who that is was different five years ago, or will be different five years from now, or even if we don’t know who we are just yet. Sexual fludity can come about for so many reasons — trauma, change of circumstance, growing older — or maybe it’s inherent in us that there’s nothing really inherent about us at all. We’re still ourselves underneath.